This is me…

I realize it’s been awhile since I’ve posted about myself and my struggles over the last year or two. So here’s me:

For most of my life I felt like the outsider. I didn’t talk to much of anyone outside of my circle of established friends unless they initiated a conversation and even then, talking to me was awkward and I know that. When I got to be around 10 or 11 I began overeating out of boredom which then turned into emotional eating. By the time I was 12 and playing 8th grade basketball I was 175 pounds and only standing at around 5’5. At this point I didn’t have many friends as the people I considered friends were now dating and this nearly always took to precedence over me even if we already had plans OR I was the 3rd wheel. By the time I was 16 I was just as awkward as ever and even though I was involved in sports, I talked to a few people on my teams but we never actually hung out or talked on the phone. I was living not just in my awkward self but also in the shadow of my older brother who was the “heartthrob” of the football team, cheerleaders, hell everyone loved him, he had tons of friends…i was just “Richie’s sister”.

Fast forward to 18 and I’m about out of high school, finally dating and still struggling with my weight, feelings of loneliness, anger, feeling sorry for myself but did date. I met my first boyfriend who was very good to me, sometimes too good, and due to me being too mature for my own britches, I broke up with him in an attempt to date someone 12 years my senior (huge mistake)…

At 20 I was in school for the first (not to be the last time) and found out I was pregnant with my first child, a boy, who is now 10. 

To spare another 9 years of details, by 29 I was married (unhappily and I knew it before but went through with it anyway), had 3 kids, a ful time job and a husband who was struggling greatly with drug, alcohol and anger issues. Which some of them I knew about but some of them were well hidden and honestly, he was great with the kids and at the time that’s all that mattered to me…

Unfortunately, at the time I was at my heaviest (roughly 255 pounds and a 3X in clothing), felt the worst I’d ever felt, I was sad, angry, hated having to get out of bed, would look at myself in the mirror and instantly get sick, using my family as my reason for not doing anything and just in a really really bad place. 

At 30, my husband hit his breaking point and I had to kick him out which resulted in some other not so good things happening for him. Shortly after he left I found out i was pregnant with what would have been our 4th child; I then miscarried at 22 weeks due to my water breaking and doctors didn’t believe me. Months following my miscarriage I had to put my dog, Gotti down…as I’m typing this I’m tearing up because I didn’t realize how much I’d been through in that short span of time….my kids lost their dad, their unborn sister and to top it off, they lost their dog who had been a huge part of our family for nearly 3 years and proved his love and loyalty to the family several times without having to be asked. 

But still I was determined to stay on the path of bettering myself, losing weight and becoming a personal trainer. Here is my current result

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